Dear Michelle,
I am writing to you because I am extremely concerned with the state of my school’s lunches. In 2010, you advocated for the Healthy, Hunger-Free Kids Act, which was intended to improve nutrition in schools. In doing so, you killed all my happiness and joy like it was Osama Bin Laden.
No, Michelle, I don’t think you understand how bad the lunches are. Dominos caters every meal. Have you ever heard of the domino effect, Michelle? It’s where you eat Dominos every single day at lunch for years, and it makes you insane.
My friend, Cole, hasn’t seen a vitamin since the Bush administration.
Michelle, do you remember the coffee cake? I do. I remember it the way a soldier remembers home or a student in the basement remembers the sun. The way you remember Guantanamo. Now I need Obamacare. You broke something…my heart.
We do not want quinoa, Michelle. We want ingredients we don’t know how to pronounce. We want sugar with red dye 40.
Bring back the coffee cake.
Sincerely,
The Palisadist