Everyone in the café—baristas, people waiting behind you in line, and even the student pretending to do work on their laptop—saw you press “No Tip” on the iPad. So what do you do now? How do you escape this social disaster? I suggest the following strategies:
- Justify
Explain that you pressed ‘No Tip’ as a bold statement against the oppression of workers by large corporations and the injustice of the wage system. Workers deserve fair salaries, not reliance on tips. Pump your fist in the air in solidarity and pray that the barista doesn’t spit in your matcha latte.
- Confusion
“That wasn’t a performance review? I thought I was selecting ‘no tip’ as in no tips needed, you were fabulous!”
- Reverse the blame
You spelled my name wrong on the cup! It’s not Brittney, it’s Brytnee. No, I don’t think that’s a reasonable mistake, actually.
- Diversion
Point at the door and scream, “OH MY GOD, BEYONCE!?” Then sprint for the nearest exit. Unfortunately, you will then have to find a new cafe.
- Dispense Wisdom
Maybe the real tip is the friends we made along the way.
- Religious Awakening
Explain that frugality is an essential step on the path to enlightenment. By not tipping, you are encouraging non-attachment to material possessions in order to achieve liberation, thereby freeing the mind from greed and selfishness. Shavasana, baby.
Either way you will likely leave with no dignity but $1 richer. Cha Ching!