As finals week approaches, students have begun questioning whether they are studying for exams or preparing for their own imminent demise.
“I woke up in the Sears basement with a matcha latte and no memory of the last 48 hours,” said senior Lailee Bolouri. “I think I have an econ final today. Or maybe yesterday?”
Pali’s mental health department has recommended via schoology announcements that students prioritize self-care, but many have opted for a different studying method: 3 Celsius’s and a prayer.
Group chats have transformed into crisis hotlines. Messages oscillate between “does anyone know what’s on the exam” and “is this legally allowed.” Attempts at encouragement – often phrased as “we’ve got this” – are met with collective silence.
Pali admin reminded students to “prioritize their mental health” via Schoology announcement to which students responded with maniacal laughter. They added that grades will be released at a later date, ensuring that the emotional impact of finals week can continue well into the break.
At press time, students were seen exiting exam halls blinking at the sunlight, unsure of the date and reassuring each other that this will “never happen again,” despite overwhelming evidence to the contrary.